found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
