Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
