HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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