Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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