There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
