I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
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I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
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Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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