Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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