erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
