i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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