Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...