guys are only as good as the porn they watch
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
