i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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