I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
