I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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