So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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