Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
