i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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