you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
home. puking in laundry basket.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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