I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
