I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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