Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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