So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am spending my child support on dildos
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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