By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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