I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
