It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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