dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think your dad took our porno
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
