He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
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Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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