wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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