Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
