Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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