Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
