ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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