He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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