There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
