god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's the barista slut.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
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