I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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