There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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