So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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