Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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