His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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