My liver just broke up with me...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
