If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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