hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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