when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
