please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
