literally had 100 drinks last night.
no, he came in my armpit
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
