You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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