This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
