Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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