I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
