Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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