Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
