I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
