I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
