addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
